Most Honorable Sparkysan,

I hope this letter finds you well, and long life follows you. I am Shotoko Shiba Inu. My ancestors were great Japanese farmer dogs. Of course, I do not live on a farm. My honorable master Kyotosan is a salaryman here in Tokyo. We live in a modest apartment building on Harujuku Street. He knows how much I love to run so Kyotosan and I go for long walks every day after work. He is a wonderful master. But now I am distressed. Yesterday he brought home Kiwisan, a parrot. Kyotosan said it was to keep me company during the lonely day. It would be okay if this bird were quiet, but Sparkysan, all this bird does is talk, talk, talk! How can I make that bird shut up? Please help me.

Troubled in Tokyo

Dear Troubled,

About the Kiwi, I suppose you could ignore it and it may get tired. But the chances of that happening are pretty slim to none. I hear that parrots are polyglots so the only feasible solution I can think of is to teach it to converse in Canine. Begin with simple barks; then work your way to phrases then complete sentences. This could be a long process, but well worth the effort. Once Kiwi learns Canine, you could explain to him how you feel. You would be killing two birds with one stone, so to speak. Your days would be filled with challenge, and Kiwi could become your friend.

Thank you for the good wishes. I wish the same for you.

Sparky