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Dear Dr. Mutt,

I'm annoyed and disgruntled. My master hired me to watch over the house and yard, which includes barking at the moon and the garbage truck, patrolling the inside of the fence and keeping thieves at bay. All of this for one square meal a day, an occasional morning snack and a bed in the garage.

I have fulfilled my duties faithfully for over 15 (human) years, and not once has a thief crossed the picket line! And now that I have proven my effectiveness, the master listens to the mistress and decides to tear down the fence in a yard beautification project! I overheard her say something about not needing one because they have me! Well, I wasn't hired to BE the fence. I was hired to patrol it. And even though I've kept myself fit and trim, I am getting on in age. I think this is unfair, Doc. What can I do? I would like to retire.

Tired in Toledo

Dear Tired,

Humans are strange beings and a bit daft sometimes. Your situation is a perilous one, and you must proceed with caution. If you don't protect the house, you could be replaced by a younger hound, and Dog forbid, be sent to "the farm." This might not be so bad, but, to tell you the truth, I don't know much about the place, and no one has ever come back to report on it. One thing you have going for you is your work record, and the master has faith and trust in your ability to guard them. This in itself is a good sign that they respect you. Meanwhile, try to take shorter naps during the day so the master sees you awake. Hopefully, your reputation will precede you and thieves will just walk on by.

One other thing, you might want to look into joining AARC, the Allied Association of Retired Canines. They could give you more guidance on the retirement process. Good luck,

Sparky

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