Fisher, If Jesus REALLY DID talk to Ricardo Martinelli...

I've heard some funny stuff these past two weeks. First and foremost, a hilarious event, a real killer, one that makes me wonder about all the stupid pranks people pull when they really want something.

Power is up for grabs now that the election train is rolling. It's no secret to say that politicians really want it, some because they have a genuine desire to help people.

These latter few generally don't get where they want to go. Nice guys finish last.

Others want it so much they put themselves into positions from which they just can't get it.

Personally, I don't think he's such a nice a guy, but this time he will surely finish last. I'm talking about Rick Martinelli, one of the four candidates in the race for the Panamanian presidency. I read his plans for Panama. Not bad if you want to live in an ultra-liberal state with a chief executive instead of president, who should be called Mr. CEO of the Republic. Hey, don't get me wrong --- I have nothing against business executives. If they work and if they avoid Arthur Andersen's Fastowian magical accounting, I'm all for them. But Martinelli - -- well, he's different. He's just unbearable.

Whether he believes in magical accounting, I don't know. What I do know is that he likes to throw himself on the floor for other people to see that he is having a fit of divine inspiration. Comical, yet pitiful. Whether it's kosher to categorize this as magic, I don't know either. First the reggae dancing hulla-hulla show, now this. I wonder what else he has up his sleeve to get our attention.

But I truly don't believe he saw Jesus that evening.

José Miguel Alemán, the Arnulfista pretty boy up for the big job, also had a fit, but a more restrained one, mopping the floor with his shirt. At least he had some decency.

Apparently, the fit is inversely proportional to the amount of votes you will get on election day. All forecasts put Martinelli in a distant fourth place, the last of the pack of power-hungry candidates, José Miguel, even though he's not going anywhere, at least is third.

Why didn't Jesus appear to Martinelli? Because if he had, he would have told Ricky to drop out of race.

Martinelli just isn't palatable. He reminds of Berlusconi. Yes, Old Silvio, who after his new plastic surgery thinks he will get the swing vote of disillusioned Italian women in need of poster men, who got to his current political position as prime minister of Italy by his tough talking and hard stances. In the end, Berlusconi turned out to be a corrupt bum who is doing everything in his power to get richer and more powerful, even if he is money-wise already first in Italy and number three in Europe. To him, opponents are members of a secret Nazi cabal or a widespread Communist conspiracy to oust him from power. All that "I'm rich so I'm not going to steal" campaign proved to be a big fat lie, as cheap as all the liters of fat extracted in his latest liposuction. When I asked Martinelli whether he was going to exercise leadership "a la Silvio," he succinctly answered: "I'm not Berlusconi, I'm Martinelli." Yeah, that's an answer that convinced me. I bet Old Silvio would have come up with the same thing.

But Martinelli is not alone. Another member of his political party has recently being getting some attention, not for his lucid policy framing but for his obnoxious comments. His party's candidate for mayor, Carlos Zavala, a former member of the Panamanian left --- closely linked to the movements at the Universidad de Panama --- has been campaigning for the guy who will help him emerge as someone who actually matters.

I had sympathy for Mr. Zavala before he entered politics. Yes, on his TV program before all the political fuss he was sort of obnoxious, but in a healthy, clever way. Now he's just incredibly annoying. All that talk about how Ricky Martinelli is the savior of Panama, of how he'll put an end to all corruption, of how he'll hatch golden eggs and cultivate money trees in every back yard is just sad, especially from a person who throughout his life held ideas that are diametrically opposed to those of his political sponsor. But you all know what they say: Your ideals cannot treat you to dinner.

But recognize that at the very least, their organization is good. Even though theirs is a small party (and they can can cry if they want to) their logistics are impeccable. Who knows? Perhaps if fate wants to stomp Panama again with another five long years of fairy-dust governance (like President Moscoso's magical reign), if the electorate after these elections grows even more cynical and weary of the political establishment, he might get a shot at living for awhile at the presidential palace. But a word of warning if this happens: Dig a hole in the ground, or take a flight and beat it. With guys like Martinelli and Berlusconi, you have to follow Bolívar's advice and get the hell out.

E. Arthur Fisher is a Panamanian writer and author of three books. His most recent work, "Diario en Verso" is a poetry collection.

Also in this section:
Barrow, Monsignior President
Fisher, Scarlet Letters
Clare, Bush's immigration plan
Human Rights Watch, Guantanamo prison camp
Weisbrot, Promising the Moon, delivering unemployment
Jackson, Ancient wisdom still holds true
Gutman, A Guatemalan legal nightmare

opinion

People that you just can't stand