Heck, Ya gotta believe that Chávez is a mutant space alien

As time passes, fewer and fewer people believe what the Venezuelan opposition says. However, we can all believe (as we have witnessed), what they do and what they did: block streets and highways, threaten people, call for the death of Chávez in public, call Chávez a black monkey from the hills, sabotage PDVSA, sabotage industry, close businesses (leaving thousands upon thousands of unemployed), assassinate people who are "not on their side," bomb embassies and invent lies.

At one time or other, the Venezuelan opposition claimed the following:

• Chávez is a wife beater: This was never confirmed by his wife --- and she had plenty of opportunities to speak up.

• Chávez is financing Islamic "terrorist" training camps on the Venezuelan tourist island of Margarita: Apparently, all fabricated lies, and no proof to go on. Anyways, who would install such a facility in a tourist area?

• Chávez has a hidden biological weapons manufacturing facility in the area of San Antonio de Los Altos (near Caracas): Apparently all fabricated lies as well. No evidence whatsoever, and actually quite ludicrous.

• Chávez is in cahoots with Saddam Hussein and Libya's Gadhafi, planning "terrorist" attacks around the world: Not long after these allegations (if one can call them that), a "friendly" US delegation went to meet Gadhafi in Libya (it was on the US blacklist previous to this), and the "allegations" suddenly disappeared into thin air.

• Chávez' wife was hiding from Chávez because she was scared of him: One day last year, a reporter happened to meet her in Barquisimeto while she was shopping. She was completely taken aback by the allegations, which she confirmed not to be true at all.

• Chávez finances the Colombian FARC: Nobody has been able to come up with any corroborating information --- not even the Colombian intelligence service.

• The Chavistas are going to come down from the barrios to attack the mid-to-upper-class wealthy Venezuelans in their homes: Never happened, and probably never will. Again, ludicrous.

• The Chavistas are violent criminals paid by the Chávez government to attack, kidnap and assassinate anti-Chávez people: There has never, to this day, been one single case of this kind. On the contrary, it is the Venezuelan opposition who is violent, as we all have witnessed over the last three years.

• The Chávez government is going to steal the land from landowners to give to the poor: So far, there hasn't been a single case of this happening. Not one!

• The 15,000 (or so) Cuban doctors who are working in Mision Barrio Adentro, providing ongoing medical services to the people in the barrios, are Cuban communist infiltrators, whose real goal is to brainwash Venezuelans rather than to help or heal them.

The true story is that the Venezuelan College of Physicians refused to participate in Mision Barrio Adentro. The Chávez government therefore had to go outside the country to get help. And as far as the Cuban doctors being communist infiltrators, I know many people who are using their services and not one person has told me that these Cuban doctors are doing anything to indoctrinate Venezuelans.

On the contrary, they are there to heal people, and they are apparently doing a very good job --- a job which a good portion of the Venezuelan medical society refused to do --- and had rarely done adequately in the past in the barrios.

• The Bolivarian Circles (community information groups, mostly in the barrios), are armed thugs paid by Chávez.

Just like the Haitian opposition was claiming in Haiti before the coup against Aristide. Apart from the military and police forces, the only people I personally know (or knew) in Venezuela who carry guns (or who are protected by armed men) are people from the wealthy, mid-to-upper classes, and undercover agents, and local mafia people, and the malandros (criminals) in the bad parts of the barrios. I have never met one single regular barrio-dweller (70-80 percent of the Venezuelan population) who owns a gun --- never --- in all my years of being in Venezuelan barrios.

There is much more to this list. However, it gives a good picture of the la la land in which the Venezuelan opposition leadership lives, and in which they continue to live by "not accepting" the referendum results.

(Who are they anyways to "not accept" the results? Don't they claim to be democratic, peaceful and educated?)

So, I have been thinking that after the August 15, 2004 referendum (which Chávez won with a clear majority), the Venezuelan opposition will have to invent new things to say about (against) Chávez and his government. So, here are some ideas:

• Chávez was born a girl and later in life, after joining the parachutists, he decided to become a man. Also, originally, his skin was white. He was operated on by a Russian-plastic surgeon who worked out of a hut in North Korea. Inside the hut, there was a picture of Saddam Hussein. When Chávez came out of the hut, he had black skin and was a man. He says that he was married, but that is not true.

• Chávez is really the mutant son of an alien that landed in Manitoba, Canada, amongst the prehistoric tribes who still practice cannibalism (in the winter, they eat the children first). One night, the alien drank too much water and got drunk and mated with a tree. When the alien left, he did not take the tree back with him and the tree gave birth to Chávez. When Chávez was a young man, the Canadian government decided that it was time to nationalize all children born of trees and aliens --- and thus Chávez was to be made a citizen of Canada. However, unexpectedly, the day of the paperwork, Chávez was kidnapped by ex-aliens who wanted to move to a warmer country, most specifically, to Venezuela. This is why Chávez is Venezuelan.

• When Chávez was young, he was a fish living comfortably in Lake Maracaibo in western Venezuela (in the area where there is lots of oil). As a young fish, he would once in a while swallow gobs of oil which naturally seep into the water from the bedrock. The oil, which is very black in color, made his skin turn black and eventually made him very sick. So, one day, his mother (a bigger fish with more life experience) took him to a witch doctor in the southern Andes. They walked for 666 days until they reached the little hut in the mountains where Doctor Ghandi from India was healing sick people and sick mosquitoes. Soon, Chávez was completely cured and began to grow limbs. He eventually joined the military and became President of Venezuela.

• Chávez collects mummies. He travels at least once a week to Egypt (on the government plane) to purchase (with government money) illegally uncovered mummies of cats. In Venezuela, somewhere in the village of Adicora (population about 500), he has a huge, gigantic hidden mansion that rises 35 stories into the air --- where he stores the mummies in gold-and-crystal displays, along with his Cuban cigars. The mansion is so well hidden that aircraft carrying opposition people constantly crash into it, killing them. The Chávez government is well aware of Chávez's "evil" plot and it is hiding the evidence. This is common knowledge to all Venezuelans.

• Chávez has six twin brothers. This is why he appears to work so hard and appears to be everywhere at the same time. It is a secret that has recently been discovered by the management of Sumate, the brilliant bunch of Venezuelan, anti-Chávez (US-financed) special "intelligence" operators who know everything about Chávez. The brothers' real names are: Chavet, Chaveu, Chavev, Chavew, Chavex, and Chavey --- and then there is Chávez.

• Chávez is planning to capture and sell Venezuelans as slaves to China for use in cheap labor so that western countries can continue manufacturing their goods in China. Chávez and his friends will pocket the money --- selling off every Venezuelan for about $10,000. Opposition people will be sold for less because they are less able to do real work and because they are only capable of working a maximum of 4 hours per day.

• There are also rumors that Chávez is going to become a monk. He has become very religious these days. He thinks he is Christ and he has begun to study to become a Trappist monk --- within a secret sect, of course. Stalin's father and Chairman Mao's mother are also active members of this secret society. After his studies, Chávez will no longer be able to speak in public --- which is a good thing. This is a well-known fact!

• Chávez will kidnap all OPEC representatives (and their families and pets) and he will gather them in a room in Sudan (in a very secret location) --- and blackmail them such that the price of oil will rise to $999 per barrel by the end of 2004. Chávez and his close friends will become instant billionaires and Chávez will buy Microsoft (cash!) so that he can control the minds of all human beings for the rest of humankind's history.

I hope that the above suggestions will be heeded by the leaders of the Venezuelan opposition. I am sure that they will be able to convince their followers that the above scenarios are realistic and feasible, as usual.

Of course, I am being facetious --- especially after having received hundreds of opposition letters telling me that Chávez would never win the referendum, because they actually believed the information which was being propagated by the Venezuelan anti-Chávez media and by the US mainstream media.

If the Venezuelan bishops believe what the Venezuelan opposition leadership says, then, of course, the Venezuelan anti-Chávez people must believe the Venezuelan opposition --- right?

Viva Venezuela!

Also in this section:
Leis, Panama's cooperative movement
Heck, If you believe Venezuela's opposition...
Weisbrot, Chávez win a wake-up call for the US
Bush, Address to the VFW convention
Kerry, Address to the VFW convention
Kenney & Meyer, ISPS a burden in the Caribbean
Bernal, Tía Lolita
Jackson, Mano dura in Perejil

opinion

Hugo Chávez Frias, mutant son of an alien:
is the opposition afraid he'll eat them alive?

opinion

Hugo Chávez Frias, mutant son of an alien: is the opposition afraid he'll eat them alive?

Hugo Chávez Frias, mutant son of an alien:
is the opposition afraid he'll eat them alive?