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Sirias, A painful plunge back into English

A painful reentry into English

by Silvio Sirias

Confidence is contagious. So is lack of confidence.

Vince Lombardi

If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.

Ludwig Wittgenstein

“I read your composition, and I’m afraid you don’t belong in my class. In fact, your writing skills are so poor I suggest you explore options other than college.”

The English professor’s words reeled in my mind, stinging fiercely as they bounced around in there. I'd just turned eighteen and had recently returned to California after living the past eight years in Nicaragua, completely immersed in the Spanish-speaking world. English, the language of my first formal instruction and of the first eleven years of my life, had retreated to a dormant part of my brain. Another two years would go by before it returned to the forefront.

Fortunately, I didn’t follow the instructor’s counsel about abandoning college, but his words, for many years, made me believe that I was unworthy of writing in English.

But I knew how to write. I loved to write. Of that much I was sure. My teachers in Nicaragua had validated my writing ability, often praising me for how well I expressed myself in what was, in essence, my second language. But with English now locked away somewhere deep in the nether-regions of my mind, I couldn’t produce the right words to ask my instructor to be patient, to allow some time for my language of birth to return --- something I was sure would eventually happen.

And the language of my childhood did return, and rather quickly. Over the next few years my ability to write in English steadily improved. Still, in spite of this, my confidence remained low. I never dared to dream that anyone would take pleasure in reading anything I wrote in my “native” tongue. Instead, Spanish, my adopted language, was my creative outlet; and English was reserved for term papers, reports, and business letters.

The college instructor’s words haunted me for decades. And although a few years later I ended up writing and editing newsletters for several organizations ---professionally, and in English --- I felt like an impostor.

Oddly enough, my breakthrough in confidence came through an article I wrote ---an academic piece about the Catalan Renaissance poet, Juan Boscán. For the first time I'd chosen to write an essay intended for publication in English, and the words flowed out of me as if in a dream, with ease, elegance, and grace --- or so I like to believe. When I submitted this work to the journal Romance Notes, the editors accepted it without requesting a single change, not even a comma.

Throughout the years, I have often thought about my first college English instructor --- even though I only spent a week in his classroom. Because of his remark, writing in English became a mountain I thought I’d never be able to climb. But little by little, day by day, word by word, my love of language and of writing has pushed me toward the summit, and although I’ve yet to reach the peak, the view from here is magnificent.

Silvio Sirias is the author of Bernardo and the Virgin (Northwestern University Press --- Latino Voices Series), which is now available in paperback.  Sirias resides in Panama and teaches at Balboa Academy.  For more information, visit his website at http://www.silviosirias.com

Bernal, Martín's "Fifth Bench" throne room
Reporters Without Borders, Panama's new gag laws
Halloran, The things I dislike about Panama
Garraway, Tourism as a way to alleviate poverty
Pilgrim, Choices for the poor
Human Rights Watch, Release terror suspect's torture allegations
Alvares de Azevedo e Almeida, Lula's biofuel politics
Gutman, Rigoberta Menchú's bid for justice

Syracuse, High profile political murders in Guatemala

Stimson, A lesson for China

Jackson, Mitt Romney leads GOP candidate fundraising

Sirias, A painful plunge back into English