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Also in this section:
Sparky the Wonder Dog
Different new takes on an old fable

 

The Ant & the Grasshopper:

divergent new takes on an old fable

OLD VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION

(The part on which all media agree)

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Nancy Pelosi and John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

(the Republican ending)

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & AntiGrasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her former employer, the Rose Law Firm, to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a jury comprised of single parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of  the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote.

(what really happened, from the underground press)

After all the hype in the "liberal media," Fox News schedules a "confrontation" televised showdown with the ant and the grasshopper, with great publicity.

This, in turn, activates the sole unincarcerated survivor of the Symbionese Liberation Army to make a short voice-disguised audiotape, and through a series of electronic dodges, play it on a phone call to Patty Hearst: "The snow on the ground is red --- Code Blue --- the walrus wasn't Paul, it was Field Marshall Cinque."

Those being the trigger words brainwashed into her so many decades ago, Patty gets all glassy-eyed and listens carefully to the instructions that follow.

Thus on the night of the big debate, Patty Hearst bursts into the studio with a can of some Raid-like substance, shouting "The People's Insect Spray is mightier than the fascists! Death to the fascist insects!" and spraying every which way.

Which is how terrorism opens a chemical warfare front on the American Homeland, fatally so for both the ant and the grasshopper.

But Fox's ratings skyrocket, as they play the tape of it every 20 minutes for a week, focusing on the jiggle in Patty's braless tits.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Kill your TV. That corporate trash will rot your mind.

 

Also in this section:
Sparky the Wonder Dog
Different new takes on an old fable

 

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