opinion

The necktie
by Silvio Sirias

I have quite a tie collection. I never intended to collect neckties, but over the years, little by little, without my being aware of it, they started accumulating, taking up more and more of my closet space.

My taste in neckties used to be conservative; I once preferred wearing dark, single-colored ties. But my wife has gotten me to loosen up; and now I enjoy wearing ties that require sunglasses to look straight at them so as not to damage the viewer’s eyesight or psyche.

I know that if one is not careful, collecting ties can become quite an expensive proposition. In my hands, I’ve held neckties with $80 price tags. But since I don’t shop in higher-end clothing stores, I’m sure that there are ties out there that can cost much, much more.

So, as an amateur, yet prolific, necktie collector, I’ve had to set and adhere to one firm rule --- $2.99 is as high as I’ll go.

This restriction forces me to be forever on the lookout for bargains. But it helps to have terrific partners in crime, and I do: my father-in-law and sister-in-law. Every Christmas, I look forward to opening the gift-boxes of ties that they buy at thrift stores --- each one costing only a dollar. They have discovered that Goodwill and Salvation Army stores are goldmines for necktie collectors. And since the overwhelming majority of men appear to have conservative tastes --- as I used to --- they’ll gush profusely over the kitschy ties their relatives give them on birthdays and at Christmas and, the very next morning, perhaps before daybreak so that no one can witness their deceit, they’ll drop them off at the nearest thrift store.

I don’t mind being the naïve person that adopts these unwanted neckties. In fact, I’ll accept them happily because I will wear just about any tie as long as the material is of decent quality.

And the louder and the more crazed the tie, the better. I believe that wearing neckties capable of provoking mild hallucinations helps keep students wide awake in class.

Aware of my fondness for bizarre, strident neck attire, several students --- four girls, members of a cayuco race team (an annual event in which, over three days, competitors row the length of the Panama Canal in boats made of materials native to the country) --- chipped in to buy a tie for me that they found at a local store.

This was the tie to test my commitment to wear just about anything around my neck.

When I first saw the necktie --- after taking it out of the gift box as the students stood around me, eagerly awaiting my verdict --- one word, and one word alone, occurred to me:

HIDEOUS.

The tie resembles a towering soft-serve ice cream cone. The material along the border of the tie has been tailored to form the curves of the spiraling dessert. The flavor seems to be a swirl: vanilla and another ice cream of undetermined flavor whose color resembles dog biscuits.

I let the necktie sit in my closet for a couple of weeks, hoping the students would forget that they had given it to me.

Alas, they didn’t.

“When are you going to wear the tie, Dr. Sirias?” they asked most every day, their expressions unable to contain their youthful eagerness to see a dripping ice cream cone dangling from my neck.

And not wishing to crush their generous spirit, I finally had to break down and wear the tie.

I left my house that morning feeling self-conscious and praying that my neighbors wouldn’t catch a glimpse of me.

And, as the students entered the school building, I braced myself for the onslaught of comments ridiculing my neck attire.

“Cool tie, Dr. Sirias!” the first student said.

“I love the tie!” said another.

“Gee, what a terrific tie! Where did you get it?” asked a colleague.

And so went the day.

Never have I worn a tie that has received so many compliments.

Today, the ice cream cone necktie sits in a place of honor in my closet, awaiting its next turn. What’s more, I now lament that I only get to wear it once a year. But, after all, I have an obligation to the rest of my collection. What’s more, I also feel obliged to keep students off balance, wondering which tie I’m going to wear tomorrow.

Silvio Sirias is an award-winning novelist who lives, teaches, and writes in Panama. For more information, visit his website at http://www.silviosirias.com